You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
operation harelip BJ is a go
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
