I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
