Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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