i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
