I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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