So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
