I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
