Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
