next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
