You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
