At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
