sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
