Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
