i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
