Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
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Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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