got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
