but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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