I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
