she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
