I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
