You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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