Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
