There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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