Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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