Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
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Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
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The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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