Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
