You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
