is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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