Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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