I'm going to jail i love you
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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