We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
