Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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