my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
