Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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