I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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