Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
