If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
