New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
