proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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