Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
