Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
