My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
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I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
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It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased