Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?