lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
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I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
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Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night