I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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