so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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