He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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