He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
