u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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