6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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