The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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