Michael Bay diarrhea
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
