I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!