Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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