Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
