I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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