mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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