I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
