Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
