I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
